I will admit that most of the time, I write articles for the faithful spouse. I try to offer tips to help people heal from being cheated on. I do that because that is where my perspective lies. I try to see things from all sides, Bumble.com Reviews but since I've never been the cheating spouse and I haven't ever cheated, I typically just stick to what I know.
Sometimes though, the cheating
spouse reaches out to me looking for tips that would be applicable to them.
It's probably no surprise that I usually encourage people to end the affair in
as quick and as healthy a way as possible. So if you're here looking for encouragement
to keep the affair going, I can save you some time by telling you that you
won't find that here. I just can't do that. I know how damaging affairs can be.
Someone might ask me something
like: "I honestly never thought that the affair would grow to mean
something to me. It started out as just a fleeting thing. But then I developed
real feelings for the other man. And I became very invested in this
relationship. I started thinking about having a future with the other man. Both
of us agreed that we didn't want to hurt our families. So we always talked
about 'one day.' And I was willing to wait. Bumble I was
perfectly happy with our arrangement. Until one day the other man told me that
he was ending the relationship because he knew that he was wrong to cheat. I am
devastated by this. Because I had a future to look forward to and then
suddenly, it was just snatched away from me. I feel like I need to talk to him
about this with closure. He didn't mention if he was staying with his wife, but
if he is, then he's a hypocrite because he constantly criticized her when we
were together. I really want to find out. I've texted him, but he doesn't
respond. I've thought of going by his house. It is very hard for me to just let
this go with no closure."
Closure is a topic that I get a lot
of questions about. Mostly, these questions come from the faithful spouse. I am
not sure that there's any such thing as true closure when you are talking about
infidelity. And I think people make a mistake by not acting because they are
waiting for the closure that may never come. This means that you remain stuck.
And true closure implies that you are able to fully close the book on this by
getting something that you need. But frankly, you are the only person who can
give you Bumble.com what you
need. Because you have to be the one to decide to turn your attention to
another place.
You have to ask yourself what
you're trying to accomplish. The other man has made a decision. It is his
decision to make. It's not clear if the goal here is to get him to change his
mind and continue on with the affair, but he's already been honest and
expressed his doubts about the relationship. Outside of the fact that an affair
isn't by definition a healthy relationship, how can it even approach healthy if
he has admitted serious doubts?
The truth is, you are both
committed to other people. That is the reality. Again, I am biased. But my
honest opinion is that in order to "let go," you have to begin to
break the habits that you've developed. You've likely become very used to
communicating with him and checking in regularly. You may even depend on this
to feel OK. I understand that it is hard to abruptly give this up. I understand
that you will have to adjust. I truly do.
But you can break this habit like
any other. You're going to have to find new ways to fill the time. You're going
to have to redirect yourself when your feel yourself drifting back to thoughts
of the other man. But you can do both of these things - even if they aren't
always easy. If you need help with this, there is no shame in seeing a
professional. Everyone and all parties can benefit from counseling after an
affair.
Going by his house is just going to
create additional problems. It is just going to make this process more
difficult moving forward. The best way to let go is to do exactly that every
single day. That means not calling and not reaching out. That means not looking
at old photos or emails. That means turning your attention to what is going to
help you move toward a more positive future rather than staying in the past.
Part of what makes this so hard is
that you don't know the future. I know that sounds daunting. But the good news
is that this means that the future is wide open for you. Perhaps the universe
was looking out for you. Perhaps in its wisdom, it knew that both you and the
other man deserved better.
Being a relationship where you
aren't free to be open and honest isn't ideal. Ask yourself if you (and your
spouse) don't deserve better than this. At least give yourself a little bit of
time to just take a break. If you have trouble stopping yourself from trying to
reach out to him, tell yourself that you are just not taking action right now
and you will reevaluate later. You will likely see that this gets easier as
time goes by. Right now, you are shocked. You are hurt. But it gets better in
time. And the best thing to do is to move on rather than just prolonging the
relationship and therefore prolonging the pain.
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