There is an assumption that a couple struggling with infidelity aren't having much sex. This may be because the person who was unfaithful isn't interested. Or because the faithful spouse is so turned off by MeetMe.com Reviews the thought of her spouse sleeping with someone else that she has placed sex off limits.
The above scenarios do happen sometimes.
But the opposite can also happen. The couple can actually increase the
frequency of their sex. This can happen for a couple of a reasons. Sex can seem
like a very effective way to say "I'm sorry" for the cheating spouse.
And knowing that your spouse still desires you and you can still have hot sex
can be very reassuring for both spouses. People are sometimes very judgmental
of this, but frankly it is no one's business. If both parties are willing and
it doesn't cause any problems, then it really is up to the couple to decide how
to resume their sex life.
Of course, sometimes it does cause
problems or things are taken a little too far. This can happen when the
cheating spouse wants to turn up the volume on the sex life a little too much.
It can begin to feel as if sex is being used to fix all of your problems, which
of course is unacceptable. MeetMe A wife
might explain this type of situation: "I found out that my husband had
been cheating about three months ago. For the first month, I did not really
speak to or spend any time with my husband at all. But in the second month, we
started communicating a little and one night we went out and one thing lead to
another and we had great sex. I mean we had the best sex that we have had in
years. I honestly did not think we'd ever have that type of sex again. Of
course, this has now happened countless times. It seems that all my husband
wants to do is have sex now. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it too. But I don't
want for my husband to think that this has solved all of our problems or that
we are now home free. Sometimes, I will want to talk about our issues and what
is his response? He wants to have sex, of course. MeetMe.com Don't get
me wrong. Being at this stage and having sex and being affectionate is better
than not speaking. But I am afraid that we are glossing over things."
I totally understand your concern
and believe that it is valid. While having sex feels a whole lot better than
fighting, if the issues are never explored and fixed, they will come up again
sooner or later. You can't have sex all of the time. Reality has to come to the
surface at some point. And when it does, it may not be the reality that you
want until things are set right again.
However, making your husband see
this might be tricky. He may see it as a rejection if you don't explain the
reasoning behind it. And just abruptly cutting him off may cause him to
misunderstand your intentions. He may think that you are suddenly changing your
mind or punishing him. That's why I think that it helps to be clear.
You might try: "as much as I
enjoy our having sex instead of fighting, I worry that we may be using sex as a
way to escape issues that are going to need our attention. I'm not saying that
I'm taking it off the table. But I do want to balance it with working on issues
that have either cropped up pre or post affair. I think it's fair that we agree
to either go to counseling regularly or set aside some time each week where we
will discuss things. I worry that our having sex is causing us to gloss over
the issues. And I think that is a mistake because I don't want the issues to
come back to haunt us later. Can we agree to this?"
I would think that most cheating
spouses will agree. While no one likes to regularly discuss something that is
hurtful, every one should be able to tolerate it for the good and health of
your marriage. And frankly, your husband has it easier than many. At least you
are willing to give him physical affection. Many wives withhold this afterward.
So he should hopefully be able to see that asking him to regularly work on your
marriage is a request that is more than fair.
Just be clear that you're very
comfortable with the sex and are willingly giving it because you want to. And
be careful that you aren't using it as an escape or diversion. It actually is
pretty common for couples dealing with infidelity to sometimes feel more desire
instead of less. You can both realize that your marriage is at serious risk and
you can then imagine life without your spouse. Naturally, when the love is
still there, you want to do something to ensure that this loss doesn't happen.
You want to feel close, desired, and accepted. This is natural.
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