I sometimes hear from wives who are really itching to contact the woman with whom their husband cheated or had an affair. Some know that other woman - even if she is only an occasional acquaintance - and others are strangers to her. But most can figure out how to contact her. EliteSingles.com Reviews And some want to actually speak with or write her a letter in the hopes that it will bring them closure and allow them to move on.
I might hear a comment like:
"for the past three months, my husband and I have been trying to begin the
healing process after his affair. Very slowly, I feel that we are beginning to
make some progress. However, I am still very bothered about thoughts of the
other woman. She works with my husband. I have seen her, but I do not know her
personally. My son plays baseball with her son also so I also occasionally see
her at the ball park. At first, I didn't want to have anything to do with her.
But lately, I have begun to entertain the idea of talking to her, or at least
writing her a letter. I want her to have to look me in the eye and tell me just
why she thought it was OK to cheat with another woman's husband. And I want to
know what my husband said about me and about our marriage. I want her side of
the story. And I want for her to see that I am a real, breathing person with
real feelings. I could easily wait outside of her office at the end of the day
or I could approach EliteSingles her at the
ball park. And if I lost my nerve with that, I could always send her an email
or a letter. But I really want to look her in the eye. I am starting to believe
that I need to contact her in order to get closure, but my best friend says
that no good can come from opening this particular can of worms. Is she right?
I feel like if I don't contact her, then I will never be able to stop thinking
about her."
Why Contacting Her Often Gives You
The Opposite Of Closure: Before I tell you my very honest opinion, I will tell
you that not every one is going to agree with what I'm going to say. Some have
called my stance the coward's way out. But let me tell you why I have the
stance that I do. Many people have approached me or written about this very
topic. I always discourage them from contacting the other woman for reasons
that I will outline below. Of course, some will still go forward and contact
her anyway. I can honestly say that very few come back and say that it went
well. The vast majority and come back and say that it was a big mistake because
they are more angry than they have ever been during the entire process. And many
find themselves thinking about the other woman even more than ever. When the
goal is to get closure, EliteSingles.com I have to
tell you that contacting her usually gives you anything but closure. And the
reason for this is that she will often tell you things that (whether they are
true or not) are upsetting. Sometimes, she wants to hurt you. And other times,
she really isn't trying to hurt you, but she is trying to paint herself in the
best possible light and so she will make the husband out to be the aggressor.
Many wives envision this meeting
with the other woman as a calm meeting in which she is apologetic and she
promises that she will stay away. This so rarely happens. She will sometimes
feel the need to explain herself and will get somewhat defensive because of
this. And even if she doesn't mean to, she might lash out and say hurtful
things or give you mental images that might never come out of your head. And
frankly, so many wives tell me that they replay the meeting with her over and
over in their mind. If the whole idea is to move on, do you really need even
more things to run through your head and ruminate over?
Alternatives To A Face-To-Face
Confrontation: Here is my suggestion. Write a letter. Get everything out. Say
everything that you want to say to her and then some. And then leave the letter
for a week or so. See if just writing the letter helps to release your
emotions. My ultimate suggestion is to burn the letter. Many therapists
recommend this for closure in all kinds of situations.
If you absolutely feel as if you
must have a say, then I highly recommend that you set it up so that the dialog
isn't endless. Send an email or letter so that you have the last word. If you
must look her in the eye, say something incredibly brief and walk away. But
honestly, this is not ideal. I have never, not once, gotten an email that said
"confronting the other woman was the best thing I ever did. Because I
looked her in the eye, I never think of her anymore. I am totally able to put
her out of my mind now."
Instead, I get things like:
"what a piece of work that woman is. All she could do was tell me how I
should have kept my husband satisfied. And then she had the audacity to tell me
that she could get my husband back if she wanted and that she could end my
marriage on a whim. She said my husband is only with me because of our kids. I
was so angry I couldn't even form a sentence. And I am still so livid. And now
I'm thinking about all of the things that I should have said but was too
stunned and upset to say. She's even sent me a couple of sarcastic emails. What
a mistake to let that crazy person into my life. What was I thinking? And now I
can't un-ring that bell."
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